You know what I can’t imagine? Going on a first date with someone and having a 40-page contract handed to me. I couldn’t imagine that before I decided to explore polyamory, and that’s not likely to change any time soon.
And by “any time soon” I pretty much mean all of Ever.
In fact, I might just laugh at anyone who tried to do something like that.
Part of my little corner of the Twitterverse has been abuzz today from a blog posting posted by @Joreth, a poly / atheist activist and frequent contributor to the Poly Weekly podcast. There’s a link at the bottom of this post to the entry in question, but basically the issue boiled down to a conflict of ideas about polyamory that resulted in her leaving a popular online forum.
Joreth wrote a great post, and it’s been whirling around in my head all day. I just can’t fathom putting myself into a situation where what I needed and/or wanted from a relationship was secondary and/or non-negotiable to someone (or someones) else’s needs and wants. Or a prescripted situation in which those wants or needs were actually contracted out.
Polyamory is difficult in the same way that any interpersonal relationship is difficult. Relationships (not that I am by any means an expert) require open and honest communication, and entering into any relationship is an exercise in compromise. Boundaries are discovered over time, through experience, and can be removed through experience as well. Part of what makes a relationship interesting, fullfilling, and fun is figuring that out. Figuring out what works. Or what doesn’t.
The human tendency to organize, define, and categorize things to simplify them simply doesn’t work here. For me, at least. Creating rules, boundaries, and contracts to govern an organism that’s brand new in the world is just premature in my opinion. I’m not ready to change my whole life. But I will hold the door open to let change come in at it’s own pace.
Shortly after we had both read the post, Stego messaged me, slightly panicked. “I don’t act like that, do I?”
There are a gazillion and one reasons that I love this man (and the number grows daily), but definitely high on the list is that neither he nor his beautiful wife act like that. We’re walking with eyes wide open, watching, talking, enjoying, savoring, learning, and most of all loving. I don’t think of myself as a secondary or a long-distance alternate universe primary or whatever else, and I’m not sure that he/they do either.
I think of myself as someone who has been seeing someone for a couple of months and really, really likes him and is excited to see where things go. Isn’t that normal?
I don’t want a ready-made family or an automatic role in someone’s household. I want the luxury to figure out if that’s even something that I’m interested in. I’m sure they’re not ready to make that decision either. Isn’t that what dating is for?
Are there complications due to geography and scheduling? Sure there are. We discuss them! Am I likely to visit him more than he visits me due to his family situation? Well, I’m going to go out on a limb and say yes, but it’s not because of a rule or pre-set expectation. It’s because I generally believe myself to be a considerate person and I treat people the way that I would generally like to be treated. That, and the fact that I adore his wife and children. At some point I will be the one with the extenuating circumstances, and I would expect the same respect to be accorded to me.
Coming up with complex guidelines and definitions just seems to over-complicate things to me and would take the enjoyment out of the situation. I’d constantly be wondering if there was a line I was crossing or whether I had kept to the rules. People – whether they’re in relationships or not – make mistakes. But that’s also how we learn and grow. Without that, all that’s left is a stagnant, two-dimensional situation. And that will never be my choice.
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Further Reading:
“I’m A Person And I Deserve To Have Equal Input Into My Own Relationships” (http://joreth.livejournal.com/213986.html)
The Polyamory Weekly podcast (http://polyweekly.com/)
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EXCELLENT post!
Thank you, E_rawk!
You nailed it with, "Polyamory is difficult in the same way that any interpersonal relationship is difficult." Every relationship, even the one with the guys at the shop who work on your car, requires communication and negotiation. It doesn't get simpler than that.
Yes, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people over-complicate polyamory and attempt to treat it as though it’s completely different from other interpersonal relationships. Isn’t it complicated enough by adding more people?!?
Thanks for your feedback, Dina.